For Swiftie Eyes Only
Taylor released 31 songs and I am the one who is exhausted
Good morning to everyone except Joe Alwyn, Matty Healy, and Kim Kardashian. Travvy I hope there is a surprise curly fry in your regular fry order.
I’ve had the weekend to process everything that is The Tortured Poets Department. This heartbreak album could not have come at a better time. She knew I was going through it so she made it a double album. Let’s talk about it.
Before I go full crazy mode dissecting every lyric. Let’s talk about why it deserves it’s own Substack. It was the most-streamed album in a single day on Spotify. This one gets me when you look at the numbers. It earned 313 million streams on Spotify. That is 127 million more than her last album Midnights which is currently second place. She’s really just competing with herself at this point. Oh also, most-streamed artist in a single day on Spotify, and most-streamed song in a single day (Fortnight) on Spotify. Casual records.
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Tums posted a TikTok with the caption “The Tortured Tummies Department” IBS stands with Taylor.
Sweetgreen was SPOT ON with their copywriting and it was under appreciated. Never forget when I wrote an essay to them about bringing back their Peach & Burrata salad. That’s a story for another day.
Away posted a TikTok for “The Tortured Travelers Department” because when is travel not torture.
Went to Rigor Hill Market this weekend and the food was great but they get extra points for having her album blasting on loop.
Krispy Kreme was giving out free donuts to those who were wearing friendship bracelets.
Calm knows that we all freaked out at 2am when there was a second album and we probably needed to meditate and take a deep breath. Should have given a promo code to sign up.
Miriam Webster was a flop for me. Taylor uses such big vocabulary in her songs, they should have created a special dictionary for the lyrics in this album.
I hope all these brands cut her a check. Not that she needs it.
A quick synopsis of the characters she discusses for those who don’t obsess over her personal life:
This album was set to be about Joe Alwyn, her ex-bf who she dated for 6 years. An actor who is famous for absolutely nothing. We learned of their break-up in the early days of the Era’s tour. They started dating when it seemed like the whole world hated her circa 2016 and we were gifted Reputation. They were rarely seen in public together, he never spoke about her, and he would sit in the booth at the restaurant.
After their breakup, she was spotted with Matty Healy, the lead singer of the band The 1975. Known for his drunk on-stage shenanigans and some racist comments. What fans thought was a brief month-long rebound post Alwyn, now seems like it may have been a 10-year situationship.
She is now dating the fan-favorite boyfriend, Kansas City Chiefs Tight End, Travis Kelce. Our king who praises her publicly, shows her off like no other, and allows her to have a normal life given the circumstances of her being the most famous person in the world.
Kim Kardashian once posted and edited a phone-call between Taylor and Kanye West (from 25-minutes to 3-minutes) that made it look like Taylor approved derogatory lyrics in West’s song Famous. The lyrics referenced the infamous MTV VMA 2009 moment when he stole the mic from her. This was all circa 2016 and the part of the reason Taylor went into hiding from all the hate she was getting.
I DID IT! A Breakdown of All 31 Tracks. Now I’m Going To Bed.
Taylor always makes me more motivated. The girl does not sleep.
**Fortnight (feat. Post Malone): Opening the album with “I’m a functioning alcoholic” is quite the set-up. This is her diary and she is sharing EVERYTHING. She also dropped a music video for it which proved my controversial opinion that Post Malone is actually hot. "I love you it's ruining my life" Certified vibe.
*The Tortured Poets Department: The song that shocked us all. The title of this album that was supposedly about Joe Alywn was about Matty Healy. “You smoked than ate 7 bars of chocolate. We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist.” What did Charlie Puth do to deserve that publicity? Also, do we think the Chelsea Hotel is booked solid for the next year?
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys: The title of this song got me immediately. The boy v. queen description in the chorus makes me feel like it’s because his ego got in the way of their relationship. He was never comfortable with her being the bigger star. Fun fact: Joe has made millions of dollars on songwriting credits from Taylor’s albums.
*Down Bad: “Now I’m down bad, crying at the gym” makes me think this was written while she was training for the Era’s tour and therefore about Joe Alwyn. We know her workout routine included running on the treadmill every day while singing the entire Eras setlist aloud.
***So Long, London: One of her best works. First place. This hits just as hard, if not harder than All Too Well for me. I have spent a good amount of hours this weekend crying to this one. “I stoppеd CPR, after all, it's no use, The spirit was gonе, we would never come to, And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free” or should we talk about the opening of the bridge “And you say I abandoned the ship, But I was going down with it, My white-knuckle dying grip” or this tearjerker “You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? I died on the altar waitin' for the proof” This is an instant classic.
But Daddy I Love Him: chaos. WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT HARRY STYLES SHIRT? This song was also mom yelling at us for giving opinions about her dating life. She had the opportunity to do the funniest thing in the world and she took it. “I’m having his baby, no I’m not but you should see your faces” The viral reactions to this song are so hysterical. Also this office meme is chef’s kiss.
Fresh Out The Slammer: This song is basically saying she was in prison dating Joe for 6 years and the entire time knew exactly who would be her rebound (cough cough Matty Healy) as soon as she was out of the relationship. “Now, pretty baby, I'm runnin' back home to you, Frеsh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to”
Florida!!!: Not for me at the moment, but will probably grow on me. This is about post-breakup going a little wild in FL. It was the first stop on Era’s tour as a single gal. “And my friends all smell like weed or little babies” This line was probably very relatable for many. Non-song related but democratic politicians in Florida are campaining to “Tay-ke back Florida” with texts targetting “FloridaDems!!!”
Guilty as Sin?: Officially Taylor’s horniest song. “Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?” Girl, we are thinking of the same Matty Healy?
Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?: “So tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?” If anyone else said this, it would be delulu but it’s so valid. She is the center of attention, the main character, she is the moment. Loving the bluntness and realness of this one. “Put narcotics into all of my songs, And that's why you're still singin' along” Her music does something to my brain that could only resemble a drug.
I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can): This is 100% about Matty Healy and the format of the title mimics The 1975 songs. “The jokes that he told across the bar were revolting and far too loud” This SCREAMS Matty Healy.
*loml: Heartwrenching. Obviously about Joe. What she thought was the love of her life ended up being the loss of her life. “If you know it in one glimpse, it's legendary, What we thought was for all time was momentary” The numerous references to marriage make me ache for her “Talkin' rings and talkin' cradles, I wish I could un-recall, How we almost had it all” This is one of the deeper more emotional breakup songs on this album.
***I Can Do It With A Broken Heart: I have probably played this song more than all of the other songs combined. The only real pop song to come out of this album. Its depressing lyrics with its upbeat bop are a killer duo. This is about having to work so hard during the Era’s tour, performing 2-3 shows every week, the crowd always wanting new music, demanding more of her, all while she wants to die inside. “I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it’s an art” Proud of you girlie :’)
**The Smallest Man Whoever Lived: Oof. Bad day to be Matty Healy. In reference to the story of Rumpelstiltskin which had easter eggs in the Bejeweled music video. Basically realizing that he ain’t it and embarrassed she ever thought he was. “And I don't even want you back, I just want to know, If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal. And I don't miss what we had, but could someone give, A message to the smallest man who ever lived?” This song also features a classic Taylor Swift iconic bridge.
**The Alchemy: OUR FIRST TRAVIS SONG! The title is also in reference to Rumpelstiltskin. Alchemy is when you take something that isn’t gold and turn it into gold. She has made many references in previous songs calling love “gold” but she is now realizing that it was all fake gold and that Travis is the real thing. “Shirts off, and your friends lift you up, over their heads Beer stickin’ to the floor, cheers chanted ’cause they said ‘There was no chance trying to be the greatest in the league’ Where’s the trophy? He just comes, running over to me” AHHHHH
Clara Bow: I have to be honest, this one is a skip for me.
The Black Dog: Basically this one is about how she can’t understand how he isn’t missing her and is moving through life like nothing happened. I violently hate the way this song makes me feel. Saw this quote about the takeaway from this song and it cracked me up: “Life Lesson: You can know it’s wrong for you but still miss it, like bangs or MyFitnessPal.”
imgonnagetyouback: Revenge!! She does payback so well. “Whether I'm gonna be your wife or, Gonna smash up your bike, I haven't decided yet, But I'm gonna get you back”
The Albatross: Sounds like it belongs on Folklore to me. Albatross is a sea bird that doesn’t touch land for the first six years of its life. Her relationship with Joe: 6 years. How she even found that fact and then wrote a song about it amazes me.
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus: This is about infidelity. May be alluding to both genders based on the group of names… Not one of my favorites from the album.
How Did It End?: “We hereby conduct this post-mortem” She knows everyone gossips and wants the details on her relationship. Basically she can’t answer the question for the news if she can’t answer it herself. “I can't pretend like I understand, How did it end?”
***So High School: Our second Travvy song!! I love this one beyond. She knows we all look at this relationship as the best rom-com high school romance and she is confirming it feels like it too. “You know how to ball, I know Aristotle” best lyric maybe ever? The songs also spicccyyyyy. Many naughty undertones there Taylor. My parents read this so you will just have to interpret that yourself. Also, so many little inside jokes in this song like when she says “Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me?, It's just a game, but really” is referring to this interview back in 2016.
I Hate It Here: “Tell me something awful like you are a poet / Trapped inside the body of a finance guy”
thanK you aIMee: My first thought is who is Almee and then realized it spelled Aimee. Which means, the capital letters spell KIM. That Kim. The Kardashian one. The one she refers to as a “bronze, spray-tanned statue.” It’s basically a I-don’t-forgive-you-and-never-will-but-want-to-thank-you-because-you-made-me-who-I-am-today song. The lyric “so I changed your name, and any real defining clues” makes me crack up as if she didn’t capitalize her name in the title. “And one day, your kid comes home singin’, A song that only us two is gonna know is about you” This is def a sub to North West posting TikToks to her songs. I just think it would be so funny if she posted to a TikTok right about now using this song.
I Look in People’s Windows: A song about normalcy and what ifs. Meh.
*The Prophecy: Beautifully devastating. "I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope,
A greater woman wouldn't beg" The theme is money can’t buy happiness and she just wants to be loved. “Don't want money, Just someone who wants my company” This song definitely flies under the radar.
Cassandra: Our girl is too smart and educating us all. In Greek mythology, Cassandra was a daughter of King and Queen of Troy, gifted with prophecy by Apollo. When she rejected Apollo's advances, he cursed her so that although she could see the future, no one would believe her predictions. Despite her warnings about the Trojan horse and the fall of Troy, she was ignored, leading to the city's downfall. In this song she is Cassandra and with so many references to snakes and reputation it seems like it may be about her warning to everyone about Kim and Kanye and nobody listened to her. “So they filled my cell with snakes, I regret to say, Do you believe me now?”
Peter: Sit down for this one. So back in May, Taylor and Matty mouthed the same words to the camera during their shows one night apart “This is about you, you know who you are. I love you.” She said this during the intro to Cardigan which has a line thats “like Peter losing Wendy” obviously referencing Peter Pan. “You said you were gonna grow up, Then you were gonna come find me”
The Bolter: Don’t just run from your problems. Usain Bolt from them. This is a skip for me for now.
Robin: This one is about missing childhood and youth. This is another skip for me.
**The Manuscript: This has to be about All Too Well (the driving references, slow dance in the light, actors hitting their marks, age references, etc). With the insane response and fans reactions to the song 9 years later, she is reflecting on its impact and feels as though it belongs to all of us now. “Now and then I reread the manuscript, But the story isn't mine anymore”